Sand and Water
by Sheyna-osirissystemlady
Summary: EO. A song fic based on the song by Beth Nielsen Chapman. Charts the years of Olivia's life after Season 7. Post Fault, but with a different version of events. Olivia's POV. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Sand and Water**

**Chapter 1**

**Pairing – **Elliot/Olivia

**Content Warning – **None that I can think of.

**Season – **After Elliot and Kathy's divorce.

**Spoilers – **Fault, random snippets from various episodes.

**Rating – **K+

**Disclaimer – **I own neither Law and Order SVU, or this song by Beth Nielsen Chapman.

**Author's Notes – **This is just a very basic songfic that unintentionally developed. Assume that Olivia did not go back to SVU, but is still in contact with Elliot. Please note that this is my first SVU fic and my first fic in months! SO if it's a bit stiff I apologise. Thanks, Shéyna.

All alone, I didn't like the feeling,

All alone, I sat and cried.

All alone, I had to find some meaning,

In the centre of pain I felt inside.

It was hard. Sitting in an empty apartment wondering if I can ever go back. What happened to us Elliot? We were so close. How could we let ourselves drift apart like that? After I left SVU, those first months we barely spoke. I wanted to call you; apologise. But it seemed pointless. I know I hurt you. I should have called, but Elliot I couldn't face it. I would have come back and it would have happened again. Another case, another situation where I'd put your life over a child's. We were safer apart. Lonelier yes, but safer.

Every night until you worked up the courage to call me I sat in my apartment and cried. Or at the least I'd sit on my bed and just stare at the walls, the phone, the door. I forgot why I'd done it and only remembered that I couldn't call you. It hurt that you didn't call me either. After all, you'd done nothing wrong. It was my fault I'd left you alone.

I was empty, and I knew that what I was feeling was nothing compared to the desertion and confusion you must have felt. You told me the job and I were all you had, and I left you. I'm sorry. I did want to call you, but I couldn't face you. I was a coward. But I was so thankful that you called me. So grateful. And now we're not alone anymore.

We're not partners, but we still have each other and we still have the job. I almost think what I did that day I left was a good thing. We wouldn't be where we are now, but then again I wouldn't have felt that wrenching loneliness and pain after I left.

All alone, I came into this world,

All alone, I will someday die.

Solid stone is just sand and water baby,

Sand and water, and a million years gone by.

You are the only one that truly understands why I am the way I am. Why you're the only man I trust. Not only with my life but with myself. You get my occasional moments of self doubt and self loathing. My fears of being left and my need to leave others before they leave me. I'm certain that's why you called me when I didn't call you. You wanted me to know that you wouldn't leave me. Or maybe it was that you wanted me to know that you wouldn't let me leave you. That you're different.

I believe that you wouldn't intentionally leave me. I know that. But I also know that had I stayed as your partner, one of us would have cracked. I'm still frightened that I'll get home and find you're not there. I'll be alone again. I like to think I'm prepared for that. I like to think, to dream that I won't die alone. But in my heart I know differently.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sand and Water**

**Chapter 2**

**Pairing – **Elliot/Olivia

**Content Warning – **Lots of angst.

**Season – **Any time after Season 7.

**Spoilers – **None in particular.

**Rating – **K+

**Disclaimer - **I own neither Law and Order SVU, or this song by Beth Nielsen Chapman.

**Author's Notes – **This chapter is much more angst-filled. This was not intended, but as the fic progressed it seems to have become inevitable. Please remember that after the events of Fault, this fic separates from the series. Olivia did not return to SVU! Thanks. Shéyna.

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns.

I will hear you in the sound of the waves.

I will know you when I come, as we all will come,

Through the doors beyond the grave.

Knowing as I did the possibilities involved in this job we do I'm amazed how unprepared I was for this. This pain. The shock. The loneliness. Again. I'm destined to be alone. We thought that by not being partners any more we could protect each other. That's what I thought. Thought. Not now. You can't possibly expect me to think that now. Now I believe differently. Had I been there… But I can't think like that. I know that. Before, before I looked to the future with fear, panic at what would happen if, or when, the day came when you weren't there. When you left me alone. Before that I just didn't look to the future. The before when we were partners and friends. When our relationship seemed invincible. Now I look to the future desperately, impatiently beckoning it forward. The day when I pray I'll see you again. Hold you. Hear your voice telling me you'll never leave me again.

All alone, I heal this heart of sorrow,

All alone, I raise this child.

Flesh and bone, he's just bursting toward tomorrow.

And his laughter fills my world and wears your smile.

I look to future praying it will reach my faster. But I know I can't force it. I could, at one point. Before I knew. A long time before now. But now I know I can't. I'm alone. You left me and I'm alone. But I'm alone with someone, Elliot. I have to be responsible. Like me he wants the future to come faster, but not for the same reason. He's energetic and bubbly like a little boy should be, without the burdens I have. Without the perpetual loneliness and sadness you left me with. When he's with me I can be happy. Almost forget.

His smile, his laughter; they're contagious and I hold onto them like a life raft. His smile. His smile is your, Elliot, and I cling to it like it was really you. When he's with me I can not be alone. I can feel for a while like you're still here. But I know in my heart that you're gone and I'm left to raise our child alone.

I often wonder if you'd known that you wouldn't have gone to work that day. That if I'd told you in the morning you wouldn't have left me alone. I wish, I _desperately_ wish that I hadn't wanted to leave it until that night. When they called I thought it was you. I was happy. I'd made my mind up to tell you then. Even though I thought over the phone it wouldn't have been the same.

When Cragen spoke I asked him to put you on. God Elliot, I asked him to put you on the phone! I…I didn't know what to say. I couldn't breath and all I could think was how could I tell you when you were in the hospital. Would you hear me if you were in critical condition? That's all I could think. But that didn't matter. By the time I got there I couldn't tell you. You were gone before I had a chance. You were gone Elliot. _You were gone!_


	3. Chapter 3

**Sand and Water**

**Chapter 3**

**Pairing – **Elliot/Olivia

**Content Warning – **Much less angst than previous chapter.

**Season – **Any time after Season 7.

**Spoilers – **None in particular.

**Rating – **K+

**Disclaimer - **I own neither Law and Order SVU, or this song by Beth Nielsen Chapman.

**Author's Notes – **This is a slightly less angst filled chapter. Please remember that after the events of Fault, this fic separates from the series. Olivia did not return to SVU! Thanks. Shéyna.

I will see you in the light of a thousand suns,  
I will hear you in the sound of the waves.  
I will know you when I come, as we all will come,  
Through the doors beyond the grave.

All alone, I came into this world,  
All alone, I will someday die.  
Solid stone is just sand and water, baby,  
Sand and water and a million years gone by.

I know, Elliot, that we will be together. But until that day I have Alex to protect. I see you in him. I see you everywhere I go, and the feeling of loneliness seems dulled now. Ever present, but dulled. I still wish for the coming of the end, when we can be together again. But now I know I have him. I have Alex, and he needs me. I can't be with you until I know he's safe. Until I'm taken to you. I can't take myself or he'll be alone. Like I was. I can't let his life be like that. He needs me, and when I can't see your face in my mind, I need him.

One day we'll be together again, Elliot, but for now he needs me. You knew my life, you knew my need to leave, not to be left; but now I need to stay. I've been left, truly left this time; by you. But I no longer feel any desire to leave Alex. We need each other. So until the day when I must leave him, until then, Elliot: we're alone again.


End file.
